Being a Friend
I value my friends. My life is richer because I have friends. I have about five call-in-the-middle-of-the-night friends.
I know women who have many, many friends and they all keep up with each others lives. They call, send cards, text, email, Facebook, twitter and whatever else is our there. I envy that. I want that–sometimes.
But the truth is I find that having too many friends introduces too much drama into my life and then I get overwhelmed. I find that soon I want to cook the world dinner, watch their kids and listen with intensity and then “fix” the problem. When I say introduces “drama” that is because I respond to the drama in a very heartfelt way.
I am a fixer. I want to help. That makes me a caretaker not a friend.
When I was little I had a friend who brought snakes to school. He was my friend. The girl who deemed worthiness by giving out pieces of gum was not my friend. I remember wanting gum so badly–but it wasn’t worth it to me. The kid with the snakes was way cooler!
As I grew so did my expectations of friendship. I grew up in a rural area, my friends were ones with bikes, or horses and the desire to travel. Boys always seemed to like to travel and I did but the girls didn’t.
In high school I was blessed to have two (girl) best friends–one was drama and one wasn’t. They were very opposite and that was perfect for me.
In college I didn’t cultivate any friendships. Not a one. I did sports, had roommates, was in a sorority but no friends. How can that happen?
Then the years of jobs, romance, having lots of babies, 16 addresses later I’m in a spot where I am cultivating friendships.
Why has it taken so long?
Friendships take time.
Friendships take a lot of work.
You have to find the right people to be friends with–not just anyone will do! I get that now.
My self-esteem is not dependent on friends. I can buy my own gum.
I am a friend to myself–I have forgiven myself–through that forgiveness I feel like I can be more transparent and authentic with myself. Once I honored myself, then I could reach out to others. Once I stopped trying to fix the world and just be in it–life became more joyful. Once I stopped putting up emotional fences and started letting people into my life, making friends became a whole lot easier.
For a long time I wasn’t sure of who I was so it made it difficult to find the friend and then be the friend that I thought I wanted/needed. Over the years I “tried on” lots of friends but nothing fit me–the drinking friends, sports friends, quilting friends–even the MOMS group. I thought I’m a Mom now–I should be friends with all these women. Wrong.
Where am I now?
I have a mentor friend.
I have a Mom friend.
I have a workout friend.
I have my best friend from high school.
I have friends that I share my spiritual journey.
I am blessed with wonderful women in my life. I pray that I will also be a blessing to others.
Today I’m linking up with
I think you hit on a couple of truths in your post. Friendships take time, and the better we know ourselves, and are secure, then the better friend we can be. I’m a recovering fixer, so I smiled when I read that in your post. Blessings. I linked up behind you at Michelle’s.
Thanks for stopping by! I’m starting a series on friendship–I found that I had more to write in so many directions.
Renee is a good neighbor and inherently good friend. I am her new neighbor and after we had met several times & talked casually, she shocked and amazed me with her true honesty. She strolled over with her wonderful children by her side and announced to me that, “…she was so glad I had moved in next door and that she was grateful to have me as a neighbor”. What a wonderful and kind gift – the gift of friendship. Renee no longer has to work at developing friendships in my humble & yes, limited opinion. She’s a natural. I’ve never had a lot of friends, nor did I strive to “be popular”, thankfully I never felt the need. The friends I do have in my life have come to me like Renee – naturally and instantly. No games, no agenda’s. Real people who are lifelong friends. Just wanted to say thank you Renee, Inc. (-; I’m so happy to be living in a neighborhood again and enjoying everything that comes with learning about others and living in a area where I feel I’m surrounded by really good, honest people.
Thanks Gini! I was just talking tonight about how I need to dial down my “true honesty” but I’m so glad it works for you. So glad that you found me at my “other home” on the web! I also feel that same out you–after years of drifting I’m finally feeling like I’m home.
Be Blessed my friend!