It is the end of February.  It is sort of dark and gray and cold.  I have piles of laundry.  It took me all week just to vacuum the upstairs . . . I just kept walking past the vacuum cleaner thinking “I need to vacuum!” . . . I’ll get to that.  My life keeps moving forward.  But I feel stuck.  I feel stuck behind a never-ending list of things to do, make, send . . .

My word for this year is intention, yet I’ve spent so many years living without intention . . . I’m finding my word to be burdensome.

Last night I was thinking I just want to stop the bus and get off.  Just have some time away.  Maybe get my hair cut, or my nails done, or buy a desk at a thrift shop–one I’ve had my eye on–but wanted my daughter to see it, like it before I buy it.  It wouldn’t even need to be away–I want to be able to sit and not think about all the things that are swirling around me–the unfinished projects, the intentions gone south.

Just then my husband walks in and says–why don’t you go shopping tomorrow.  You need a pair of boots (and I do really) “go out get a coffee and do some shopping”.  In order to go to the fancy mall–that would be a 1/2 day trip (because I want to browse and not be rushed) . . . we live in a more rural area–shall we say.  I resisted.  My husband realizing that I could use a break, is giving me the gift of time, reflection, and boots!  Yet, I resist.  I want this time, I really need this time, but I’m pushing the idea away?

Why is it so hard for us to accept love and encouragement?  I do my best to be encouraging and up lifting–yet I’m not always that way with myself.  I believe it for them–but not for me.

“Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.”

I grew up serving others in healthy ways and in unhealthy ways.  I grew up feeling powerless to make my own choices–yet felt guilty for not serving others.  I grew up in fear a lot of the time.  I grew up with in order to get you must give and nothing was free.  I grew up feeling like I didn’t matter–I grew up being told I was a mistake.

Fast forward to now–I have an awesome life.  I have a husband and kids who love me more than can even fit into words–yet sometimes–all of those years of not having an awesome life creep in . . . and fear, doubt, worry sneak back into my life.  I feel invisible.

I need to be encouraged.  I need to hear positive words.  I need to see a flash of a smile and a crazy wave from a friend as I drive by her house.  I need my husband to give me a morning off.  I need hugs from my kids.  I need prayers.  I need grace.  I need to give thanks, in everything.  I need to feel authentic love–not someone just blowing a breezy means-nothing accolade–I need the real thing.

If I need it–I bet you do too!  Who doesn’t?

I go through life with the intention of being a cheer leader!  I want to inspire you.  I want you to feel my love.  I want you to smile when I do my silly dance or sing in my opera voice.  I want to bring joy into the world.  I want to give thanks–and I want you to know that I’m thankful for you.  I want to feed the poor, take care of kids, hug every misfit dog and cat I see . . . I want to rescue the world and make everything “right.”  My wise husband, gently tells me I can’t take care of everything–the way that I wished I would have been taken care of.  He puts me on a love budget–I can’t spend more than I can take in . . .

Just when I was put on my love/save the world budget–my friend James Presscott wrote this awesome e-book.  It is about encouragement!  What a gift he is–just when I’m feeling discouraged I read his book . . . I feel encouraged.  I spend some time reading it with myself in mind–then I focus on those I meet.