I’m jealous of HER!
I am jealous of HER! I am crazy competitive–maybe competitive is a better word? It does really matter what I call it, label, fancy name–it is all the same. I’m feeling jealous and it is a really ugly emotion and this isn’t how I want to feel.
There is a women who I know but I’m exactly friends with. Not that I couldn’t be friends with but . . . circumstances never exactly presented a good time to develop a friendship. She had 5 kids and I have 4 and they are all the same agesish. We both are sort a crunchy and simple. We are both faith filled women. You would think it would be a perfect match.
So why am I jealous (for lack of a better word)? I have compared my life to her life. I wanted more kids. I have 4 and 2 in heaven . . . I have a full house here and more in the heavenly home. Why would I be jealous of someone who has just one more child? Well, now she is pregnant again!!!! Now she will have MY six? How crazy is this? (Didn’t I just say that I have a full house? This feeling makes no sense in my mind–where is it coming from?)
I’m 20 years older in menopause and I’m spending a few moments each day thinking, hoping, wishing that I had another baby! Now I’m MAD and JEALOUS! (and feeling a little crazy.)
Why am I comparing myself to a twenty-something? Did some almost fiftyish women compare herself to me? Oh my, I hope not (and truthfully I doubt that anyone ever did). Why do women compare?
Alright, time for a little bit of honesty here. I have felt this way for a long time. Not just about this women but before I even knew here. I even mentioned it at Confession and was told that I need to go look at the cross and tell Jesus that I need to seek his approval and not anyone else’s. I did that and I felt like I had a tool for moving forward.
So if I have the tool why am I not using it? Why am I letting myself be consumed by these feelings. Why do I feel this way to a perfectly nice Mom? Why do I let it bother me? Why can’t I just wake up everyday and say,
“Jesus, I hope my soul and I can grow closer today.”
I can’t because I’m not there yet. There is clearly something else that I’m not seeing. I’ve wondered if I see myself in her . . . maybe wish I could turn back the clock? Some friends have advised me not to have any contact (at this point I ONLY have cyber contact) but I don’t think that is the best choice. I have not contacted her and told her how I feel but maybe that might help. But that would take courage.
I did talk to my mentor about this and she said “oh, yeah, when you get this one figured out, let me know!” I am not alone in my feelings, this much I do know.
Any suggestions? Have you felt this way? Crazy Comparing? Seemingly Senseless Competition? I’d love to hear about how you manage it or don’t?
Be Blessed
Today I’m linking up with these wonderful blogs.
Miscellany Monday
Hear it, Use It
Playdates with God
Multitudes on Monday
The Better Mom
On, In, and Around Mondays
Motivating Mondays
Welcome Home
Motivation Monday
