(When I wrote this post it was NOT my intention that it would be the beginning of a 31 days of honesty series. The immense response to this post has given me the courage to embrace an entire month of Honesty, Authenticity, and Truth.”)
I think I’m real. I think I’m honest. I pride myself on not having an agenda.
But I lied. and it is bugging me. So I’ll confess here and then again later.
We moved and I needed to get a new driver’s license. I put it off because I still struggle with this place being “home”.
So studied for the test, made sure that my hair looked great, packed 3 kids in the van and went to the Secretary of State. (I won’t mention here that I forgot all the paper work on the counter and had to go back home . . . that would make me seem ditzy and unorganized–of which I am neither.) When I arrived for the second time, ahem, I went to the various counters and answered the questions–took the test and only missed 1 for a score of 97%–I was feeling very successful until . . .
ma’am, how much do you weigh?
For the record, “none of your business” is not the correct answer!
I lied. I lied. I lied.
I gave a number that is 20 lbs less than what I really am. I feel like a fake. I feel like a fraud. I am embarrassed. I don’t want to be this size. I feel like I betrayed myself–again.
Why did I lie? If it causes me so much unhappiness, why did I do it? If I knew that they were going to ask–maybe, maybe I might have told the truth–maybe not. I haven’t said the number out loud to anyone.
I’m not sure what I am going to do about the lie. I thought about going back and telling them that I lied–but then they might think I lied about other things and take my license away or they might just think I’m crazy and take it away. A lose-lose situation.
So I decided to do this. I decided to own the fact that I weigh 60 lbs too much! I’ll be honest about that. I lied about 20 but the real number is 60!!! I have decided that now is the time for me to let go of all the heartaches that I have made me seek out food as my friend. I have real friends now–and I’m not going to eat them! We don’t eat our friends–we eat food to nourish our bodies not to be a friend. I’m getting it. Now is the time in my journey to figure this out.
I have watched enough Oprah episodes and a season or two of biggest loser and read the Roth books . . . I get that it is not about the food for me.
For me it’s about having things taken away from me–it’s a long list–if I thought that the list actually mattered I would make it, but it is not in the list but in the repeated heartbreak of losing.
I think when I finally gave up was when I had my first miscarriage–I was 3 months pregnant, 136 lbs and wearing a bikini with an adorable little bump. Then not. The pain and loneliness of the loss of a child was overwhelming. From that moment to when I had my son I gained over 100 lbs. Once I held that baby the world seemed “right” again, yet I had a shadow of disappointment and feeling like a failure.
I lost a ton of weight and found out I was pregnant the day after my Mom died. I lost that baby the week before Thanksgiving . . .thankfully I was so upset I couldn’t eat. I’m sort of joking here but if I could eat I think I wouldn’t have ever stopped.
I remember feeling empty, failed, hurting so deep inside at a place I didn’t know was even there. The doctors told me I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant again. I stopped living and caring. I did not feel alive. I felt dead. I lost ALL hope. I poured myself into my only child.
Well, the happy ending is that I did get pregnant again, and again, and again. I have 4 beautiful children and with each one I put on 20 lbs that never came off!
Now I am ready to be honest with myself. I am ready to own my size. I am ready to change.
My intention is to post on the 1st of each month–except probably January–I take holidays off–I won’t post my weight (well I might but for now . . . NOT) but I will post a photo and tell you what I’m doing to get there. I know that I can do this.
linking up with Fellowship Fridays
I don’t really want to do this alone . . . if you want to join along . . . leave a note in the comments or email me at joyfulmombaudeatgmaildotcom . . . we can do this together . . . or if you have done this before–can you cheer me on?
(oh, yeah–I’m scared out of my wits to push the publish button on this post–praying for . . . what should I pray for grace, understanding, fortitude???)
Be Blessed–not matter what size you are!
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