let’s be honest–I’m fat

(When I wrote this post it was NOT my intention that it would be the beginning of a 31 days of honesty series.  The immense response to this post has given me the courage to embrace an entire month of Honesty, Authenticity, and Truth.”)

I think I’m real.  I think I’m honest.  I pride myself on not having an agenda.

But I lied.  and it is bugging me.  So I’ll confess here and then again later.

We moved and I needed to get a new driver’s license.  I put it off because I still struggle with this place being “home”.

So studied for the test, made sure that my hair looked great, packed 3 kids in the van and went to the Secretary of State.  (I won’t mention here that I forgot all the paper work on the counter and had to go back home . . . that would make me seem ditzy and unorganized–of which I am neither.)  When I arrived for the second time, ahem, I went to the various counters and answered the questions–took the test and only missed 1 for a score of 97%–I was feeling very successful until . . .

ma’am, how much do you weigh?

For the record, “none of your business” is not the correct answer!

I lied.  I lied.  I lied.

I gave a number that is 20 lbs less than what I really am.  I feel like a fake.  I feel like a fraud.  I am embarrassed.  I don’t want to be this size.  I feel like I betrayed myself–again.

Why did I lie?  If it causes me so much unhappiness, why did I do it?  If I knew that they were going to ask–maybe, maybe I might have told the truth–maybe not.  I haven’t said the number out loud to anyone.

I’m not sure what I am going to do about the lie.  I thought about going back and telling them that I lied–but then they might think I lied about other things and take my license away or they might just think I’m crazy and take it away.  A lose-lose situation.

So I decided to do this.  I decided to own the fact that I weigh 60 lbs too much!  I’ll be honest about that.  I lied about 20 but the real number is 60!!!  I have decided that now is the time for me to let go of all the heartaches that I have made me seek out food as my friend.  I have real friends now–and I’m not going to eat them!  We don’t eat our friends–we eat food to nourish our bodies not to be a friend.  I’m getting it.  Now is the time in my journey to figure this out.

I have watched enough Oprah episodes and a season or two of biggest loser and read the Roth books . . . I get that it is not about the food for me.

For me it’s about having things taken away from me–it’s a long list–if I thought that the list actually mattered I would make it, but it is not in the list but in the repeated heartbreak of losing.

I think when I finally gave up was when I had my first miscarriage–I was 3 months pregnant, 136 lbs and wearing a bikini with an adorable little bump.  Then not.  The pain and loneliness of the loss of a child was overwhelming.  From that moment to when I had my son I gained over 100 lbs.  Once I held that baby the world seemed “right” again, yet I had a shadow of disappointment and feeling like a failure.

I lost a ton of weight and found out I was pregnant the day after my Mom died.  I lost that baby the week before Thanksgiving . . .thankfully I was so upset I couldn’t eat.  I’m sort of joking here but if I could eat I think I wouldn’t have ever stopped.

I remember feeling empty, failed, hurting so deep inside at a place I didn’t know was even there. The doctors told me I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant again.  I stopped living and caring.  I did not feel alive.  I felt dead.  I lost ALL hope.  I poured myself into my only child.

Well, the happy ending is that I did get pregnant again, and again, and again.  I have 4 beautiful children and with each one I put on 20 lbs that never came off!

Now I am ready to be honest with myself.  I am ready to own my size.  I am ready to change.

My intention is to post on the 1st of each month–except probably January–I take holidays off–I won’t post my weight (well I might but for now . . . NOT) but I will post a photo and tell you what I’m doing to get there.  I know that I can do this.

linking up with Fellowship Fridays

I don’t really want to do this alone . . . if you want to join along . . . leave a note in the comments or email me at joyfulmombaudeatgmaildotcom . . .  we can do this together . . . or if you have done this before–can you cheer me on?

(oh, yeah–I’m scared out of my wits to push the publish button on this post–praying for . . . what should I pray for grace, understanding, fortitude???)

Be Blessed–not matter what size you are!

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