Editorial Note:  I started to write this last weekend.  MLK Day came and went . . . we did take the day off and it was awesome.  I didn’t get my cards out yet but I did take some time to slow down and listen to my soul.

Today is MLK Day!  We will be taking the day off–no school, no errands, minimal cooking . . . it will be the Sunday that I didn’t have today.

I like to keep things on the simple side–but commitments creep in . . . all of a sudden I’m busier than someone with a REAL job!  I sit back and wonder how my calendar went from blank to filled in?  How did I let this happen?  Month after month . . .

January is almost gone, I’m just getting the Christmas decorations put away, my holiday cards will go out on Tuesday of this week (the first time in 4 years!), and my goal is to have a system for taking care of the bills that come in–keep, file, pitch . . .

My word for this year is intention.  I’ve written about it here and here.  I’m stopping.  I’m practicing being still (Psalm 46:10).  I want to look at my life with intention–look at my time, look at my relationships, figure out what I want my life to look like.  What do I want to BE.

I feel sort of lost . . . I moved out of my parents house when I was 17, following in the footsteps of my brothers.  I moved from the frying pan into the fire.  The next 10 years were spent in a weird survival mode and at the end I was still feeling lost and my life had little meaning.  Then I met a guy, got married, started having kids . . . still feeling lost–how can I be a good wife and mother?  Still not knowing who I was–I know what I did–living a cause and effect existence.  Now, 20 years later–I’m still scrambling to find my purpose.  My entire life has been in survival mode.  To merely survive is not my intention.  I want to thrive.  I want to feel alive–I want to feel passion!

I have been searching my soul, wondering why?  I think I may have made some progress . . .

I felt like I had nothing so I needed to fill it with something!

I filled my life with alcohol, made horrible choices in whom I spent my time with, found that Burger King will always be my friend, and if I kept stuff . . . a semi trailer of stuff!  that if I kept SOMETHING, than I wouldn’t have nothing.  (I think that breaks a grammar rule.) If I kept toxic people in my life that is better than being alone, when I was skinny people used me so if I’m fat maybe they won’t!

I don’t want to BE THAT person anymore.

How will I move this forward?  I can’t be the only one who has found themselves in a place that they would rather not be in.  I know what I need to do–but I don’t want to–it’s hard, painful and full of unresolved memories, heartache and conflict.  I need to take one disappointment at a time and make peace–forgive.

I must look at everything in my home and ask “does this add value to my life?”  I must look at every relationship and ask–“how does this serve my purpose?”  I must stop and know that I am loved in a healthy way . . . and now it is time for me to love me–in a healthy way.  Powerful questions to ask myself.

Does a Richard Scarry VHS video that is not longer available in any form worth saving?  Do I need all of my fabric?  What does it all mean–this hanging on, to stuff.

I’m not sure what it means but I know what it is doing–all the stuff–the bookshelves lined with books I’ll never read, recipes I’ll never make, patterns I’ll never knit . . . these things have kept me in the past.  In a place I once was or once hoped to be.  I’ve never lived in the now–I have spent my entire life waiting, to grow my hair, to be loved, to get married, to have kids . . . the list never ends.

I’m not sure if it is menopause or I’m just so tired of trying . . . trying to be someone else. Trying to make everyone happy.  Trying to find peace outside of myself–I’m looking out rather than looking in.  Maybe menopause is supposed to make us “pause” and reflect.

As I experience transformation in my life, in the lives of my kids, in the books I read to my kids–I now see it as a omnipresent element in growth–I see it in everything from the Bible to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles . . . we are all destined to become something greater than where we are now.

Have you figured out your passion?  intention?  destiny?

Be Bless as we are gentle with ourselves . . . waiting for grace.

I’m linking up to Motivation Mondays, Mindful Mothering, The Better Mom,  Multitudes on Monday, Mercy Mondays, Titus Tuesdays, heart and home, God Sized Dreams.